I will not have my vengeance in this life or the next.

Should you seek vengance over carparking issues?

Gladiator II comes out next month. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It doesn’t even have our Russ in it. The 1999 original is, in my opinion, the best revenge film ever made. The great general Maximus Decimus Meridius loses everything, becomes a slave, and fights his way through regional hell holes to the mighty Colosseum, where he comes face to face with Emperor Commodus. This is the man who had his wife and child brutally murdered. All the cards are in the emperor’s hands. But Gladiator turns, removes his mask, stares his enemy in the eyes, and delivers one of the best speeches in cinematic history.

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the TRUE emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.”

Taskmaster Humilation.

Russell Crowe delivered the dialogue so brilliantly it gives you goosebumps every time you watch it. When it was my turn to say those legendary words on camera, I humiliated myself. It was season two of Taskmaster; the task in the envelope read, ‘Time Travel. Best time travel wins’. I dressed myself up as Maximus Decimus Meridius and catapulted a flaming clock through the air. Making time actually travel. Unfortunately, I panicked in front of my dodgy trebuchet, and my words came out, “My name is Marcus Decimus Merrillious… husband to a murdered child”.

So, is vengeance a good idea?

Maximus kills the dirty Commodus but dies a painful death moments later. Unless you believe in a Roman afterlife in which you walk through beautiful Spanish fields with your hand lightly touching wheat, Maximus’ satisfaction was brief. 

I turned my back on Commodus at the Oxford Ashmolean Museum in 2023

Was it worth it? Is revenge ever worth it? Is there truth in the maxim attributed to Confucius - “He who seeks revenge digs two graves”?

Recently, someone parked in the car park at my house. The first day, I let it go. Annoying as it was, I figured a mistake had been made. So I left a friendly note: ‘Hey, this car park is mine—Please don’t park here—thanks’. The next day, the same green car was there again. Then, the day after. My blood boiled. Vengeful thoughts filled my head. Let the tyres down. Shove a banana up the exhaust. Empty a wheely bin on the roof of this arsehole’s car. Take the rubber off the wiper blades. Smear Colin's leavings on the windscreen. Write ‘Dickhead’ in the dust on the bonnet. Maybe a long, cold revenge, like the one Andy Dufresne got on Warden Samuel Norton in the Shawshank Redemption. I even considered getting the thing towed.

Gladiator features real figures from Roman history, including the stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius (Richard Harris). Aurelius was a virtuous, compassionate leader and a deep philosophical thinker. He was not a fan of vengeance. In Meditations, he wrote:

“The best revenge is not to be like that”.

Richard Harris as Marcus Aurelius.

Marcus believed in the importance of maintaining your integrity and not stooping to the level of those who may have wronged you. If you do that, you are no better than they are. Marcus believed if someone is rude, you should be polite. If someone lies to you, you focus all your efforts on being truthful. He believed the crimes people commit against us should be seen as lessons. Take note of what you don’t like about a person’s behaviour, let go of the anger and then endeavour to live a better life than the transgressor. Do that, and you win. If you pursue that person until you both end up dead, that’s sub-optimal.  

Another great Roman Stoic, Seneca, had this to say:

“Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it.”

Professor Martha C Nussbaum

The American philosopher and author of Anger and Forgiveness, Martha C Nussbaum, believes payback is a form of mysticism. It’s the belief that if we unleash our anger on the person who has wronged us, to the point they are at least as damaged as we are, then the universe is somehow righted. Of course, the two things are only linked in our heads. No actual balance had been met. As she told the Making Sense Podcast, it doesn’t change the past and rarely makes us feel better in the future.

“This wish for payback, which is very influential in both personal life and political life, is not only counterproductive, but it's actually a form of empty magical thinking. People think my child has been killed; if I make sure that this offender dies, then that will pay things back and then things will be even in the cosmos. This is magical thinking. It doesn’t help with grief the way people think it will.”

I choose not to have my vengeance on that little green car in this life or the next. Instead, I decided to confront my nemesis and solve the problem honourably. This turned out to be a very good decision. I worked out what time this evil bastard was parking and timed my arrival home from work perfectly. Like Maximus, I came face-to-face with my enemy. Unlike him, my opponent wasn’t a powerful emperor. It was a very nice 90-year-old dude. He could hardly carry his groceries from his car. Turns out he had been getting the carpark number wrong. He apologised. Now, he parks in his proper spot two down from me. Thankfully, I took Marcus' peaceful path and not Maximus' violent one. If I had let this lonely old man’s tyres down, messed with his wipers or inserted a banana up his exhaust, I would not feel good about myself right now. As Marcus wrote:

“He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.”

Having said that, a few years back, a well-known New Zealand broadcaster and friend of mine climbed up and defecated in the letterbox of a man who had wronged him. He claims it was the most satisfying thing he has ever done, and to this day, remembering that vengeful act brings him great joy. He served his revenge steaming hot and is in harmony with his universe because of it, so maybe there is some wiggle room here.

Gladiator II is out in November. Will it be a worthy years later sequel like Top Gun: Maverick, or a bit shit like Zoolander 2? Only time will tell.

Anyway, you seem busy, so I'll let you go. Bless, bless, bless. Paid subscribers will receive a bonus Monkey on Human Revenge video in your mailbox on Wednesday.

MH