Work Christmas Parties: A Risky Ritual.
Can we come together without humiating ourselves?
(Note: Paid subscribers, please enjoy this article read by the author at the bottom)
The work Christmas Party is a dangerous business. Celebrating the win of making it to the end of the year can easily turn into a humiliating loss you feel right into the next. Every year thousands of New Zealanders manage to hold the respect of their workmates from January to November, only to trip on the last hurdle, make dick heads of themselves at the work, piss up and slump off into the break riddled with shame.
It’s a high risk - medium to low reward situation. The best most of us can hope for is to break even. If you wake up after a work Christmas party at the same level you went in, you've done well. If you come out ahead - you have pulled off a miracle. Many resurface the day after wishing we had never gone. So, if they are so risky, why do workplaces hold them, and why do we attend them? The reasons may be more spiritually and economically significant than you know.
I believe Work Christmas parties exist to honour the people we work with and the work we have done together, as a ritualistic full stop to the year and because dressing up and getting steamed with your workmates is very fun.
As risky as the Christmas party is, not having one is even more dangerous. Employees feel little loyalty to a place that doesn’t put on a few drinks and some tunes after a hard year’s work. The party’s existence marks a minimal level of appreciation between management and staff. Even if you do not attend the party, the effort was made by your work, and that’s something. Whether you have 25 drinks or none, by providing refreshments, your work has shown that they care.
In recent years, increasing pressure has been applied to these events. We must fight this cheap, fearful, killjoy agenda. A workplace that doesn’t hold a decent, slightly out-of-control end-of-the-year party loses its soul and, as such, enters a phase of decline. Equally, a worker who never turns up indicates that they don’t care that much about their company or its people. No one should feel obliged to attend, but if you don’t, you must accept that your lack of attendance sends a message. That’s not to say you owe it to your workplace to go hard, get fucking wasted and make a dick of yourself. That is also sending a message. There is a quiet decency in a sober two-hour-and-done appearance. There is also a middle ground. I believe if we go in with the solid behavioural pillars of Non-Leadership, Honesty, Decent Chat, and Not Being a Complete Punisher, we can have a great time, mostly free from regret.
(Note -These four pillars are non-judgemental and directed mainly at me.)
PILLAR ONE: Non-Leadership. You don't want to be up on the table as people arrive. However, you do want to be on the d floor at some point. So, time your run. At every party, there will be those who push the boat out early. Drunken leadership is not a good idea at a Christmas Party. Some take charge early and come in hot from pre-drinks. These people will be the ones everyone is talking about across the holidays and into the new year. So bide your time. Look around and see where everyone else is at. Stay in the middle of the peloton for most of the party. Then, when 50% of the party is out of control, pick up the pace. There are good times to be had in the shadow of the leaders. If you overtake and take charge at 2 am - no one will remember.
PILLAR TWO: Honesty. Booze makes us lie. Maybe it’s the lowered inhibitions combined with the advantages gained from raises in status. Whatever causes it, lying in a workplace can be both humiliating and dangerous. Honest discussions about your pay are a bad and potentially contract-breaching idea. Lying is so much worse. You may start a spiral of bitter resentment and repercussions. Remind yourself before you go to any party, but especially a work one - no lies. To quote my own book.
Self-aggrandising lies have to be among the most embarrassing when rumbled. These are the types of untruths we adults are prone to tell when we’ve been drinking. Exaggerating what you earn, claiming connections with people that you don’t have, or lying about romantic activities are never things to feel proud of. They create all kinds of stress. - A Life Less Punishing. Allen and Unwin.
Or, as Noise Works put it in their 1987 song ‘No Lies’, (which hit a lowly number 31 on the Australian music charts), ‘No lies, no lies, Do it again, I say no lies, no lies, Do it to me.
I know no lies, no lies, Do it again, I say no lies, no lies, Do it to me’.
PILLAR THREE: Decent Chat. After a year of working together, tensions can build. It’s tempting to bring those resentments into the Christmas Party. Throw a shit load of booze into the mix, and lips get loose. Walking around slagging people off isn’t great chat. You don’t know where allegiances lie, and it’s boring. Surely, we can come up with better things to discuss than how much we hate other workmates. On an even more basic level, you owe it to others not to bore the shit out of them. Weather, Warriors and whatever you last watched on YouTube will probably get you through.
PILLAR FOUR: Not Being a Complete Punisher. Whether it’s pinning your boss in the corner with your half-arsed drunken views on how the company should be run or repeating the same joke over and over again in bored co-workers' faces, being punishing is about the worst thing you can do at a Christmas party. In any given social situation, I ask myself regularly, ‘Am I being a massive punisher here?’. The answer is often ‘probably’, in which case I shut up and move on.
IN CONCLUSION
Work Christmas parties are essential for the spiritual well-being of an organisation. They are also minefields that can destroy your reputation and personal well-being across the break. However, if your night is built upon strong pillars of non-leadership, honesty, decent chat, and not being a complete punisher, you drastically improve your chances of success. So stay in the middle of the pack, don’t spin shit, don’t bitch and don’t go on and on about crap no one cares about. Get those four things right, and you have a fighting chance of coming out even this festive season.
Anyway, you seem busy. I’ll let you go. Bless, Bless, Bless. Give Em A Taste of Kiwi.
Happy Christmas
Matt Heath
(Note: Paid subscribers, please enjoy a version of this article read by the author below)