Fighting Fomo!

My best buds went on a lifetime trip to Oktoberfest without me. Here's how I learnt to deal with the fear of missing out.

FOMO! FOMO! FOMO! The fear of missing out. As we speak, my social media feed is lit up with shots of my ‘best buddies’ from the Alternative Commentary Collective attending Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. It’s clearly the greatest time anyone has ever had or ever will have, and I’m missing out. I’m upset. I feel abandoned. In a just and fair world, I would be over there with them. After all, it was widely advertised that I would be.

Jeremy Wells, G Lane, Manaia Stewart, and Joseph Durie rubbing their good time in my face.

The betrayal began in April 2024 when I received a calendar invite from ‘close friend’ G Lane, requiring my presence at an ACC Export Ultra photoshoot. It was my birthday, but I happily turned up on time, ready to give my all. Then, out of the blue, things spiralled out of control, and I ended up dressed as a German beermaid.

A humiliating hour of filming followed, packed with leather shorts, piano accordions, and sausages. Yes, it was fun. Yes, the catering was excellent. Yes, I found it oddly enjoyable wearing my bodice, bonnet, and piggy tails. But it was also tough. The camera crew, the Hauraki crew, and the ACC crew all laughed and pointed at me, but being the professional I am, I sucked it up and did what I was told. It was exciting. Little old Matt Heath from Dunedin travelling with his best friends to his dream event - Oktoberfest. The promised land. It’s a festival I’ve been thinking about my whole life. As contiki.com puts it, “Every Kiwi knows of and dreams of Oktoberfest. We all aspire to go someday.”

The adverts born of the photoshoot read Win A Trip with ‘these guys’ pointing to the four of us. That strongly suggested I was going. I’m one of these guys, and there’s an arrow pointing at me. But one day, it dawned on me that no one had booked me a ticket or mentioned the trip for months. People in the office went silent and looked away when I brought it up. I became a pariah in my workplace. No one wanted to look me in the eye. No one wanted to be the one to break the news to me that I wasn’t invited. Eventually, the conspiracy crumbled. A promo person let slip that for cost reasons, I had been dropped from the team, and only Jeremy, G Lane, Joseph, and Manaia were going. It quickly became apparent that singing along to an Oompah band with a 10kg beer in my hand and a bratwurst hanging out of my gob was just a pipe dream.

While it’s true that I looked better as a Fräulein than anyone could have possibly expected and that going forward, I will jump on any chance I get to dress as a sexy kraut waitress, the point is my friends are having fun, and I’ve been left at home. I’m jealous and upset.

FOMO, or the fear of missing out, was coined in 2004 by American venture capitalist and author Patrick James McGinnis. He was looking for a way to describe that feeling of apprehension that one is either not in the know about or missing out on information, events, experiences, or life decisions that could make one's life better. He had no idea back then how bad FOMO would get. When I was a kid, if my friends did something on the weekend together without me, I didn’t find out until school on Monday, and by then, we were back together.

‘Best buddies’ of mine, Anastasia and Jeremy, rubbing their good time in my face.

Nowadays, everything everyone does is out there for everyone to see. Every school kid now knows in real time that they haven’t been invited. The shot selection makes matters even worse. Even when people are having a bad time, they still post pics and videos, making it look like they’re having the best time ever. On Insta, you don’t see the arguments, headaches, hangovers, niggles, fights, financial freakouts, and annoyances that are occurring behind the staged smiles, hugs, and bikini shots.

As British author and journalist Oliver Burkeman wrote, “FOMO is made so much worse by social media, you are constantly bombarded with the glossy edited highlights reels of other people’s lives.”

A 2021 study entitled Fear of missing out and social networking sites use and abuse: A meta-analysis showed that FOMO is linked to increased depression and anxiety. It claims that social media-induced FOMO is causing people to evaluate themselves more harshly and spend a lot more time fearing negative evaluations by others.

In his latest book, The Anxious Generation, Proffessor Johnathan Haidt discusses how, as we traded in our simple phones for smartphones around 2010, time spent comparing ourselves to others soared while face-to-face time with friends and family plummeted, as did mental health outcomes.

‘Best buds’ of mine, Manaia and Joseph, rubbing their good time in my face.

So, what do you do about FOMO? How do we deal with these negative feelings in the face of a social media onslaught? How do you make yourself feel better while sitting on the upstairs toilet, in the middle of the night, in the dark, watching your friends having an amazing time without you?

Well, in my case, I could grow up, get some gratitude for what I have, apply a sniff of logic, get over myself, and find a way to feel happy for others.

Here’s my eight-step anti-FOMO strategy.

1. STOP LOOKING. If social media pictures of your friends having a good time without you makes you feel lousy, stop staring at them. It's like putting your diddle in a blender; if it hurts, stop doing it. (If you’re looking to fight a digital addiction, I suggest reading The Craving Mind by Dr Judson Brewer.

2. GRATITUDE. Instead of resenting that I’m not on this fun trip, I could concentrate on feeling grateful that G Lane invited me on other trips to London, Japan, and Paris. They were some great times. Most people don’t get those kinds of opportunities at all in life. Who am I to be upset that I don’t get one more? It’s spoilt brat behaviour. I’m like the kid who gets 20 amazing presents from his parents and then gets angry and throws a tizz when he doesn’t get 21. The ACC organise these trips; they work their arses off on them. I do nothing. I take more than I give. G Lane gets the sponsors onboard, and the ACC team does all the booking and admin. Who the hell do I think I am bitching and complaining about the one time I don’t get invited? Seneca on Gratitude

3. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. I’m not the main character in this one. My friends aren’t posting things on social media to make me feel bad. They post because they’re having a great time and want to share their experience. Or in this case, they post because Export Ultra is sponsoring the trip and they have to. There’s no need to take their content personally; the spotlight isn’t always on me.

4. PERSPECTIVE. I could compare what I’m up to with people who are having a worse time than me, not better. I may be missing out on Germany, but I’m currently also missing out on the hardships that many people I know and love are going through. They would look at me and feel envious of my trouble-free life. Yet here I am, upset because I’m not wearing Lederhosen.

5. GOODWILL. Would it kill me to just be happy for my friends? They’re having a good time. They’re nice people. G Lane, Jeremy, Manaia and Joseph are some of the best people I have ever met. They deserve their fun. Why not wish them well and welcome them back with open arms? Their good time doesn’t take anything away from me. Their happiness should bring me joy, not anger.

6. JOMO. Burkman argues that the whole idea of FOMO makes no sense. We have such a short time on the planet, and there are so many things going on that we’ll miss out on nearly everything, no matter what. He suggests that instead of FOMO, we lean into JOMO, the Joy of Missing Out. Not doing one thing means you’re doing another, so celebrate that outcome. Whatever you do, you miss out on something, so get used to it and embrace what you’re currently doing with the people you’re currently with.

7. DIGNITY. The most important thing in situations like this is to keep your dignity. The last thing you want to do is diminish yourself by making a big deal about missing out. Be careful not to bitch, complain, or write a 1700-word Substack on the matter.

IN CONCLUSION

I’m pleased to report that after employing six of these seven strategies, my FOMO is in retreat. I’m now at one with being left out of the most fun trip ever. I have grown to the point where I can now see not going to Oktoberfest as a net positive, as it helped me cure my Fear Of Missing Out. I have learnt to appreciate what I have and where I have it. In fact my mates who went to Germany should be feeling FOMO over the life-changing week I had back here - living my best life, hanging out at home on my own with my dog Colin.

A couple of best buds having a fantastic time.

Anyway, you seem busy. I’ll let you go. Give em a taste of kiwi!

Love, Matt Heath