Pokémon Crims at NZ Gyms

Annoying, selfish, arrogant people - you gotta catch em all.

I AM A GYM LEGEND!!!

You'll find annoying people everywhere you go in this great country of ours. Even in the places we go to better ourselves. As it was in ancient Rome, so it is in New Zealand gyms.

The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, selfish, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. - Marcus Aurelius

According to the New Zealand Institute of Fitness and Health, around 9% of us hold gym memberships. That’s 400,000 people - 13% of the adult population. Obviously, that statistic doesn’t tell us how many actually go to the gym. Many of us sign up in the hopes of getting fit, go twice, leave the direct debit going and spend months paying for nothing. I am, for example, listed as ‘Legend’ on the wall of my gym.

Poof that I am a gym legend.

This has nothing to do with how much I can lift or how hot my body is. My name is on the wall because I paid for my membership right through the covid lockdowns. I didn’t do this out of kindness to support my gym through a tough time. I did it because it had been so long since I signed up and so long since I had worked out that I forgot I was paying.

The 13% gym-going stat also doesn’t tell us what percentage of attendees are ungrateful, arrogant, or selfish. Honourable gym goers are often shocked by the selfish behaviour of others. From hogging machines to filming their sets to dropping heavy weights to stinking like onions - there are some bad actors. It can be annoying.

This is when a framing technique called Collecting may be useful. By giving a name to a behaviour, you can turn your annoyance into a mental version of Pokemon Go¹. Instead of feeling anger and resentment, you can enjoy observing and capturing gym crimes in the wild. Of course, you don’t physically collect them. That would involve assault and kidnapping. Instead, you just tick them off as a mental note. For example, you may spot someone filming themselves at a gym and think to yourself, ‘Ah, there’s a Spielberg’. Instead of being annoyed, you feel lucky to have seen and ‘collected’ one. It sounds a bit silly, I know, but believe me, it works.

With gym rules as they are, Spielbergs are becoming harder to find, so you might want to begin by catching something more common, like Machine Lice. You have likely heard of Gate Lice. A pejorative term that describes an airport phenomenon where passengers gather in front of boarding gates before their designated boarding time. Machine Lice are worse. They gather in packs around gym equipment. Working out with a friend is a beautiful thing. One waits while the other does their set. Spotting and chatting. In these days of digital isolation, finding reasons to get together is more important than ever. But it can go to far. I’ve seen five dudes hanging around one machine. No one else can use the equipment for twenty-five minutes as the lice slowly work their way through their sets. It’s selfish and annoying unless you are out looking for a Machine Lice infestation for your mental collection. In which case, Machine Lice are a good time.

Chaise Loungers or Lazy Emperors.

Chaise Lounger, also known as the Lazy Emperor or a Bench Scroller. These people will pump out a set of ten and then embark on an epic reclined rest break. Sitting on the bench or machine like it’s a chaise lounge, and they are Emperor Vitellius on his side eating grapes. There are people taking five minutes between sets just leaning back, looking at their Insta, TikTok, Tinder or Grindr feeds. The machines and the benches are for working out. You only need two minutes between sets max. If the gym is at your home or empty, settle in and take your sweet time. But if it's busy, you owe it to your fellow gymgoers to get it done. If you really need to recline and scroll like a Lazy Emperor, go sit in the corner for 10 minutes. But if you are working out, pull your finger out and work out. The Chaise Lounger can be extremely annoying unless you need one for your collection. If you do, you are in luck. You’ll likely spot several Lazy Emperors on an average workout out, making them one of the easiest Gym Crims to collect.

Multiple Miggs.

These gymgoers share their name with the psychotic criminal from Silence of the Lambs. Multiple Miggs was a fan of yelling obscenities at people walking by his maximum security cell at the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Most famously, impolitely telling Clarice that he could smell her downstairs. Then, later, dispatching some reproductive mucus in her direction. MM was so disrespectful and gross to Miss Starling that Dr Hannibal Lecter had little choice but to murder Miggs by whispering away at him for hours until the filthy man swallowed his own tongue.

In a gym situation, a Multiple Miggs isn’t yelling at people or throwing self-sauced products, but he is equally psychotic. A Multiple Miggs will place a bag on one machine while leaving a towel on the other and maybe even a drink bottle or a phone on another. Thus, claiming multiple machines for their super-sets? This prevents others from using the equipment they need. Super-sets might be part of your routine but baggsing mulitple machines is shockingly selfish. It's hugely rude and annoying unless you are out looking for Multiple Miggs. Then, you will be elated to see one in the wild. They aren’t as common as Machine Lice or Lazy Emporerors - so it’s a real treat when you spot one. Happy hunting. ²

Most gymgoers in this fine country of ours are good, considerate people who are just trying to better themselves. They go to these places as a functioning part of a healthy community. Unfortunately, some are ungrateful, arrogant, selfish, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can not tell good from evil. Luckily, you don’t have to get mad, and you don’t have to confront them - you can simply collect them in your mind. Once you have mastered Pokégym, you may want to apply this technique of collecting on the roads, in social situations, in bars, in the movies or in your workplace.

So good luck out there. I hope you see some Machine Lice, A Reclining Emperor, a Multiple Miggs, A Spielberg or even A Richter 7³ soon. Gotta Catch 'Em All.

Anyway you seem busy, I’ll let you go. Bless, bless, bless. Give em A taste of kiwi.

Love MH

Paid subscribers, please enjoy the below punishing audio version of this article, which is read by me, the author.

1. The smartphone app that combines gaming with the real world by using location tracking and mapping technology to create an ‘augmented reality’ where players catch and train Pokémon characters in real locations. My kids and I were obsessed with Pokémon Go between mid-2016 and early 2017.

2. The Multiple part of the name Multiple Miggs name is doing most of the work in describing this multiple machine using phenomena.

3. A Richter 7 is one of those dudes who do super heavy deadlifts and drop the weights on the ground, creating shockwaves and a horrific noise.