The Fake Fires of Happiness

You don't need wood, a fireplace or even flames to enjoy a heartwarming winter fire.

We humans have been using fire for a million years. Homo erectus loved it, and we Homo Sapiens Sapiens are still excited about it. Fire has influenced our rise as a species, both physically and cognitively. We have been cooking with, keeping warm, chasing prey of cliffs with it and protecting ourselves from predators with fire for so long that it changed us as beings. Our ancestors who liked being around a crackling open fire had an advantage over those who didn’t. Evolution selected the fireside enthusiasts. They didn’t freeze to death, their food was more eatable and delicious and they weren’t mauled by wolves while they slept. They also stayed up later, staring into flames, talking, telling stories, and making up the myths, legends, and culture that make us who we are. So, it makes sense that we modern humans experience positive effects when we sit around staring into fires. As long as they aren’t burning down our houses, or blasting smoke right in our faces our brains are wired to love flames. Studies show a flickering fire can lower cortisol levels, blood pressure and heart rate. Staring into the flames can produce a quantifiable sense of calm and well-being in a human, even more so when we do it with friends and family. In short, staring into fires is cosy. Unfortunately, many of us cannot light fires in our modern dwellings. We either don’t have fireplaces or are prohibited from running them. Laziness can also be an issue. When I was a kid, we often didn’t light a fire because I had failed to chop the wood like I was ‘bloody told to you little shit!’.

Luckily, in 2024, anyone can fake a fire. Simply search up one of the many fire channels on Youtube, stare into the flames and you experience all the calming benefits of a real fire without the smoke in your face or soot in your hearth. A fake fire will give you everything a real one does except - of course - actual warmth (you will need a heater for that). One thing a faux fire will never do is escape and kill you.

At first glance, a phoney fire may seem like a hollow experience. How can a video do what a real fire does? After all, most of us love an ocean view but don’t feel anything special when staring into footage of the sea. This is where fake fires are different from artificial vistas. Traditional living room fires flicker away in a fireplace, which is, of course, a rectangle box. TV-based fires also flicker away in a rectangular box—the TV. An ocean view is best when it is vast. A fire is best when it is under control in a small area. A vast fire in your house is a bad thing. If you are warm and there is flickering in the room, you are experiencing the ancestral joy of an open fire. A fire inside your TV is plenty big enough to warm your soul.

As I write, I am sitting in front of a heartwarming fake fire burning away on the widescreen attached to my wall. I feel calm and cosy. The crackling sounds tell me it’s there even when I am not looking at it. The reasoning parts of my mind know it’s not real, but something profound inside me does not. Some ancient part of my brain is getting fire signals and is happy about it and is rewarding me with feelings of comfort and joy. It’s a presence in the room that doesn’t distract me like a movie, ten-part series or politically radicalising YouTuber would. You can power through your work with a fake fire. It inspires you to get things done, and you don’t have to refuel or poke it every half hour. The only distraction is the heat. It’s getting very hot in here; luckily, I can quickly fix that with my heat pump remote.

YouTube isn’t your only option for a fake fire. The Samsung Television on my wall has free Baywatch, Fear Factor, and Alien Contact Channels. It also has a built-in fire channel that will burn away all day if you let it. It even cuts away to show footage of someone chopping the wood. Authentic!.

However, the real deal fake fires that I love can be found on a YouTube channel called FOBOS Planet. A guy called IIia Emelianov runs it out of Russia, shooting and streaming multiple fires daily and getting a lot of views. It's comforting to see the number of people watching with you. Tens of thousands of souls from all around the world are being spiritually warmed by the same fake fire at the same time as you. Not that these fires start out fake. They are very real and burning hot in Emelianov’s rural Russian cottage. He posts behind-the-scenes videos to show that the fires exist and that he’s running a hi-tech operation. 4K Ulta HD cameras, lighting and some fancy mics in Apple Logic software.

In a move that seems slightly at odds with his tranquil cottage fire vibe, the young man always does his cosy fire filming wearing an aggressive Slipknot T-shirt.

To create the ancient campfire experience, Illia sometimes ventures into the Russian woods and films outdoors. A rabbit pops up to warm itself during one of these shoots. Very cute. The resourceful Russian also shoots beautiful bubbling brooks and waterfalls. The water stuff is not for me, but each to their own. I reached out to Illia for a comment, but he didn’t get back to me. That was three weeks ago. Either he is stuck behind some kind of iron curtain firewall, or he thought my email was weird and ignored it - which it was.

The modern equivalent of sitting around the fire with your tribe is a group TV viewing. When we get together as families to watch a movie on Netflix, Neon or Disney a certain percentage of the comfort we get from it is fuelled by our ancient lust for flickering lights. The action, storyline and acting are great, but TV is, at its heart, a trumped-up fireplace. This may be why we search so long and hard for something to watch. Someone needs to get the fire started before the wolves attack. Maybe we should just cut out the middleman. Forget streaming bloated TV series and start warming our hands on the Fire Channel.

No chat about fake fires would be complete without mentioning the gas and electric units you can buy. The old ones had faux coals that glowed; some had little bits of fabric that fluttered in orange light. The modern ones come with a digital screen. Some, like the one I saw in a furniture store last week, come with their own old-school wooden fireplace and mantle. The fake fire slips into the hearth like a real one. It's a great option if you have the space. This type of phoney fireplace has the key bonus of actually producing heat. However, they incur costs and set-up time you don’t get from flicking on a heater and pressing play on a YouTube video.

INCONCLUSION!

You don’t need a fireplace to enjoy all the benefits of flickering flames. Go, fake, and get that sweet warmth, calmness, inspiration and comfort of burning wood at your leisure. Give it a go. Shove on a fake fire in the background when reading a book, cleaning the house, making dinner, working from home or making love, and feel your productivity and spirits rise. Light the digital flames of joy when you leave the house and come home to cosy.

Whatever you are doing a phoney fire will create a genuine connection with your ancestors. You are at one with who you really are in front of a fake fire.

Here’s mine.

Anyway, you seem busy, so I’ll let you go. Give ‘em a taste of Kiwi and bless.

Matt Heath